Waiting For Maybe Baby

Jameson has thrush. Blah. He is being a champ about it but not wanting to eat much. We have noticed the patches but he didn’t seem to be bothered and everything we read said give it time to resolve itself. Last night he started refusing food and chewing his tongue. Just generally dissatisfied with life. Worried he would be up all night. He woke up at two all smiles and played for a while before falling back to sleep without eating much. Of course, I haven’t slept because I was on high alert and then after he was up I couldn’t sleep…. breaks my heart when they have problems but it is so much more heat breaking when they are so damn sweet. about it!! Fortunately my dearest sister in law had some meds for thrush so we started those until we can call the doc on Tuesday….

Audie found me the most gorgeous baby book for Jameson!!!  We were in Portland shopping and he found this wonderful book for open adoptions.  It has places for all of Jameson’s family trees and both sides family history.  It is the most amazing, thoughtful thing ever!  I know I have ranted to you about it before, but I hate that most books that say suitable for adoption just mean you can remove pages pertaining to your pregnancy.  A few of the books we did find were more geared to foreign adoptions of closed adoptions.  This one is absolutely perfect.  It never ceases to amaze me how when things are important to me they become so important to Audie.  I am so thrilled to get started on writing Jamie’s’ story.  I want him to know just how big his fan club is and has always been….

I can’t believe how fast the last month and a half has gone. It is so strange to me how when you add a new person to your family: it feels like they have always been there but it also feels like it has only been seconds. I know that doesn’t make sense, but that is how it seems to me.

We went and had a weigh in today. Jameson was born at 8 pounds 11 oz but was only 8 pounds 4 oz when he was discharged from the hospital. Today he weighed in at 11 pounds 8 ozs! He has gained an inch in head circumference and an inch and a half in height. We are so impressed with this boy! He is just getting more fabulous every day.

To recap, our first four children were preemies born at 35, 34, 31, and 36 weeks gestation. They were small to start and slow to grow. Our 31 weeker weighed 9 pounds 2 oz at her four month check up. There were a lot of challenges to raising tiny babies. To watch Jameson grow is a joy we don’t take for granted.

I have been fighting the tears today because I am so grateful to his Mama. I have had these four preemies and eight miscarriages. Don’t get me wrong, I love our babies with a passion and they were each absolutely perfect. However, I know that if we had had a fifth genetic child, he would not have been a robust full term guy. I have been given this amazing gift of a child and that is humbling. Then to look at this perfect little chunky man that my body would have not ever been able to produce just takes my breath away. His Mama blessed me with something that I could not accomplish on my own and the gratitude I feel for that is not something I can explain or measure.

We have found it very easy to fall back into baby mode and are thoroughly enjoying everything. Audie is retired from the Navy. He missed a lot with our older four. It is neat to find out we are still a great team and then to realize that he is not going anywhere.

Jameson has just started smiling when we play with him. He has formed an attachment to a softy that he likes to snuggle and wants with him. He is cooing and making little noises. He is snugly and sweet. His personality is starting to show more and more every day.

The four older kids  walked to get ice cream.  They got tired of course, so Audie went to pick them up.  I am sitting in my recliner with Jamie asleep on my chest.  Sometimes, in these quiet moments, it is hard for me to not start crying tears of joy.  I can’t even express how perfect my life is right now.  I am going to put some blog entries in queue tonight so you can all hear about bringing Maybe Baby home and how the last five weeks have gone.  I miss sharing with everyone.  I am just so in love with this little boy it is hard to make time for anything else but adoring him!!!

Hope that everyone out there is well. 

Now that we are getting more comfortable with everything we wanted some of our family to see Mama and her family.  We asked if that was okay and she was very receptive to meeting some of us.  Of course, our families were dying to see the baby, but they knew that there was a very good chance that it would be a couple of days.

We invited Audie’s mom first.  My mother in law is a force of nature.  She is gorgeous, intelligent, handy, hard working, and just all around fabulous.  She swooped in like a whirlwind and didn’t disappoint.  She fell hard for Jameson of course.  She was really natural with the family and did great.  She was so at ease with everyone and I think that it reinforced that we could blend these families.  We had tried to tell the birth family how open and accepting she is.  Without any effort, she proved it all.  I was as proud to show her off as I was to show Jameson off!  It was a great first meeting.

Next, my big sister came.  She is also a birth mom.  I wanted to make sure that she and Mama got a chance to connect.  WE don’t have parents so Lydia is the matriarch on my side.  The fact that she has also had this experience made this even more meaningful.  She was charmed instantly by our little man and looked so happy holding baby.  She got a chance to talk to Mama a little bit about how awful her closed adoption experience has been.  I got a chance to tell Mama that Lydia’s experience is what makes me so driven to make sure she doesn’t hurt like that.

Mama’s eyes were closing so we took Jameson to the nursery.  It was really hard to leave him and go home, but we thought we had better get some sleep.  The social worker and attorney were coming at ten and eleven in the morning to sign Jameson out to us. 

Came home to sleep and my eyes didn’t want to close.  I slept a few hours but it was restless.  Kept asking Audie to take me back to the hospital but he refused.  It was the longest night of my life!!!!

We headed back to the hospital.  We had confirmation it was okay to go straight to Mama’s room.  Her grandma was there visiting with Jameson.  WE quickly excused ourselves after meeting grandma.  We felt like she deserved that time to visit with him without us.  Mama’s auntie followed us into the hall and said that Mama had an important meeting at eleven and we should stay around.  Hmmm????  Then it hit us OH!!!!  a MEETING???!!!!

We grabbed a bite of food and headed back to the nursery. WE were told to stay away from the room so that it didn’t give the illusion of strong arming Mama.  We were waiting for them to bring Jameson to us and the hospital social worker came to see us.  We flat out asked how things were going and she said, “Mama said she feels like her feelings, privacy, and wishes are being respected and supported.  She feels good about her decision and about you two being the baby’s parents”.  Okay, we had never heard such beautiful words in our entire lives!!  It was just incredible to hear it said.  We had tried very hard to be sensitive and loving to her.  She is an extremely private person so it was amazing to hear that she felt that way.  We were very happy she felt that way and not just because it meant we were getting the baby.  We were happy because we have said since the beginning that we wanted Mama to come thru this without any extra scars because of us.

We were in the nursery with the baby just waiting to hear if she signed the papers.  The social worker we hired for Mama came to see us.  She had a very serious look on her face and said we needed to talk .  Of course, my heart sank.  She wanted to talk about the open adoption agreement.  Mama wants to see him frequently and we had already talked about that.  She was afraid we wanted to only interact with Mama on his birthday.  Once we told her we were all on the same page, it was all smiles and hey the relinquishment papers are signed.  Wow.  Laughing and crying and every feeling that has ever been experienced all at once.  Just crazy amazing feeling.

Mama’s Dad and Aunt came to talk to us.  Her Dad seemed to feel very good about the choice and comfortable.  WE had this long good talk about the future for Jameson. It felt so good to hear him make plans for birthdays and Christmas.  Just the love for this boy was overwhelming.  We could tell Auntie was struggling with it.  I sensed that maybe she wished she was the one taking him home.  We tried very hard to reassure her that she would still be the Auntie forever.  She had a lot of tears and that was hard.

The family wanted to visit some more with Jameson so we excused ourselves for a while and promised to come back that night.  Leaving that hospital I was walking on air.  He was really going to come home with us!!!

Then, the sadness hit that Mama is going home alone.  Mixed feelings…..

for the excitement of labor and delivery and the love for baby.  I was not prepared for the utter grief I would feel for Mama about the adoption.  She seemed at peace with her choice and she seemed to be trying to process it all, but the tears still came and how could they not?  I was not prepared for how much it would hurt me to watch.  I could understand her feelings as a mom, but also, I am a mom to kids her age so I felt for her in that capacity too  It isn’t about me, however, so I tried to stay gentle and positive and take things at Mama’s pace.

That night when we got home I sobbed myself to sleep.  The emotions of the day caught up to me and the flood gates opened for sure!  I just went to sleep feeling so committed to not only making this right for the baby but  making it right for Mama.  She is his mommy and she deserves love and respect and joy. 

The next morning we woke up to go back to the hospital and my heart was heavy.  I was anxious to see our boy, but my first thoughts were with Mama and her dad.

We left the hospital for a little bit to go home and check on the kids.  Our older son had prom on Saturday so we needed to go and pick up his tux.  Had to get kids dinner.  We were walking on a cloud from holding him and kissing his very fat cheeks but we were also feeling like we were starting to get the stomach flu!!  There was no way you could have forced either of us to have eaten a bite of food!  Tummies turning, we ran some errands.

At this point, we had the impression that maybe Mama didn’t want to see us or something.  It seemed that the hospital was stepping in to mediate and we weren’t sure what to do.  Our daughter had been at the hospital offering her support thru this time and she was supposed to go back to the hospital to spend the evening with Mama.  Audie and I were just holding our breath.

We got the call that Mama wanted to see us.  She wanted us in the room with her.  We set and talked with her and her Dad and it was so natural and comfortable.  It felt like we were exactly where we were supposed to be.  Lots of smiles and a few tears were shed, but  overall it felt like a joyous time of coming together as a family.   We were starting to make  plans for the best of this little boy that had won us all over just by being him.

Mama was understandably exhausted.  She wanted us to take Jameson to the nursery so she could rest.  She is very much  in love with him and proud of him, but there is a detachment at this point.  I think that it is part of the process of grief.  I am sure she was glad when I left because I just couldn’t stop telling her what a good job she did!!!

Audie and I took Jameson to the nursery for the evening.  Our kids were able to come and meet him.  Lots of love shared.   Went home totally and blissfully exhausted….